There are so many things that I personally could do right now that would make things better.but the motivation to do them is not there. While what you are describing is your version of this hell, I want to assure you that you are not the only one that goes through this inner dialogue near constantly. Thanks for posting you made a difference for me. Have the experience of accomplishing a goal. If I were you I would pick ONE thing you can do (and I know that narrowing down is part of the hard part so maybe even that is one thing), and do it. It's not going to be everything but it's not going to be nothing either. I'm going to outline it on a notepad instead of the computer so that I stop playing 2048. I'm going to finally open goddamn powerpoint, and I'm going to pick ONE aspect of the project to work on. (I haven't figured out the second part yet but let me know if you find anything.) The feelings of worthlessness definitely get in the way aside from the psychological effects it's not like I'm getting a lot done underneath my desk trying to nap into a different future. (I don't know about you, but I've also got this miserable feedback loop of ADHD>depression>anxiety that ain't helpin nobody.) I think the only thing there is to do is recognize the circumstances that exacerbate the Brain Problems and avoid them, while setting up circumstances that support success. (For one, I think laziness is probably a good deal more relaxed.)

It's easy to conflate it with laziness but it's not the same thing. The meds don't always make the difference, and it's not like they 'correct' whatever wires are loose in our brains anyway - only compensate for it. The thing is, it's not totally our fault. I'm dealing with a lot of feelings of worthlessness, as well as fears that a) the future will come and I won't have anything, b) doing it will be hard and it's going to take a lot longer than I thought, and c) I won't be finished in time for next week, they'll kick me out of grad school, and it's all my fault. This is new I haven't straight flaked on a meeting before.īasically this project is way overdue and I'm so scattered I can hardly read a listicle. I was originally supposed to meet with her on Tuesday, when I did nothing of value for five hours and then literally hid under my desk with the lights off so that I wouldn't have to go.

Right now (6 am) I have about ~3 hours to put together something, or I did my stupid 'Vyvanse nap' routine for nothing. I'm not prepared for a meeting I have scheduled with a professor tomorrow. Hey I don't have advice but I am doing exactly the same thing right now. I want the word 'STOP' to have meaning for me. I just want to get a good night's rest and do a good job and be normal. If I take my meds and I feel them sort of working but I am still just useless then that means everything that goes wrong is definitely my fault right? I'm terrified that being scatterbrained like this is just who I am. I just whizzed through so many days just wasted. I feel like I have nothing under control. I'm ashamed and filled with self-loathing. Now I'm going to have to hustle and submit work that is not even close to being half-assed. If I knew I wasn't going to do any of the work why didn't I just go to sleep early. I just want to cry over how inept and inadequate I am. This whole month I feel like I did nothing. I've been working on this project for over 2 months. I got home around 9:30pm and was about to eat dinner and told myself I could watch one episode and once I finished would start the homework. Why wasn't I this mad at myself when I was at work? Thinking about how little I did makes me want to pull my hair out from frustration. But there is so much work I have to do in order to not look like a damn fool. I told my boss earlier last week I would finish it tomorrow (today), present it to him and submit it to the group on Friday.

Want to kick it with you all night